They Call Me Naughty Lola

They Call Me Naughty LolaPersonal Ads from the London Review of Books
Oh dear lord, I’m amazed the Brits manage to mate at all if this is what is out there. These real, honest and often completely horrifying ads have appeared in the LRoB.

It takes a real man to wear a dress. It takes a revolutionary to wear those shoes with that blusher. Box no. 3194

Slut in the kitchen, chef in the bedroom. Woman with mixed priories (37) seeks man who can toss a good salad. Box no. 7421

Whatever you’re looking for, you won’t find it in any of these other ads. But if you like early-morning trips down the Thames, Sunday-morning pastries, Saturday afternoons in Richmond Park and spur-of-the-moment trips to Scotland, then join me, sensitive M, 48. I won’t be participating in any of these sojourns, because most of my time is spent journaling the activities of my neighbors for the daily reports I submit to my local council as part of my ongoing war against sound pollution and overhanging conifers, But you should be made aware of the options open to you if my vigilance becomes inexplicably tiresome to you. By that point, of course, it will be too late and you’ll have become one of Them. It’s only a matter of time before you have your own paragraph in my report. The pencil is always sharpened at box no.9390.