John Waters
“Why I Love Christmas”By December I’m deep in Xmas psychosis, and only then do I allow myself the luxury of daydreaming my favorite childhood memory: dashing through the snow, laughing all the way (ha-ha-ha) to Grandma’s house to find that the fully decorated tree has fallen over and pinned her underneath. My candy-colored memories have run thoroughly the projector of my mind so many times that they are almost in 3-D. That awful pause before my parents rush to free her, my own stunned silence as I dared not ask if Granny’s gifts to us had been damaged, and the wondrous, glorious sight of the new semi-crooked tree, with all its broken balls, being begrudgingly hoisted to its proper position of adoration. “O Christmas tree! O Christmas tree”! I started shrieking at the top of my lungs in an insane fit of childhood hyperventilation before being silenced by a glare from my parents that could have stopped a train. This tableau was never mentioned again, and my family pretended it never happened. But I remember- boy, do I remember!
If you don’t have yourself a merry little Christmas, you might as well kill yourself.”
John Waters is most (in)famous for his ultra-trashy movies like Pink Flamingoes and Mondo Trasho, starring the equally infamous 300 lb drag-queen divine. What you don’t hear so much about is how incredibly funny Waters is. You can see his sly wit and love of over-the-top gags in all his movies and his writing. Crackpot is a collection of articles he has written throughout the years. Waters rhapsodizes on the 118 magazines he receives and reads a month, 101 things he hates and 101 things he loves, written in short-story format. He includes plenty of advice on becoming famous (exaggerate yourself, hype yourself, or in worst case scenarios, die). He talks about his favorite exploitation flicks, promotion of really bad movies, teaching in a jail and sheepishly admits to loving any art movie – particularly if it is black and white and in a language he doesn’t speak. Funny, weird and not as trashy as one would think. Don’t have the time to read? Rent A Dirty Shame and be sure to watch Water’s commentary tracks. Funny funny stuff.